I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
