I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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