Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
