Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
the raccoons are back...
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