i always forget guys have bellybuttons
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Randomize
