i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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