im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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