I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
