i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
