Umm I'm too high to move.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
