Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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