I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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