My Higher Power is John Stamos
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
