I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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