I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
is it fun? or sober?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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