The best revenge is premature balding
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
