So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
