your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
