The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
