I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
