SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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