GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
