it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
