my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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