i just had sex bonerless
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
