Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
