I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I love having hate sex.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
