I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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