The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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