how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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