i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
if only i could text you this smell
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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