you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
