It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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