According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
