So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
