You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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