Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
