turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
