But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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