If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize