Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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