I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
