I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
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