i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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