I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
