my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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