This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
