Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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