let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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