So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When did angry sex become our thing?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
