My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
