how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
