apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
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i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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