My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
