Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
