He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
