It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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